Renewed Rules and Restrictions
by tt22123
Summary: Harry overheard Remus saying that it was his fault that Sirius died. He thought killing himself would be the way to make the man forgive him, he was wrong. This is their life after he was caught writing his note by the fearsome dungeon bat. I only own this fluffy plotbunny, none of the lovely characters. Although, actually isn't all that much fluff. Severitus TW rape/abuse mentions


'I'm sorry I killed him Moony. Don't try and say it wasn't my fault, I know you think that it is, I heard you talking to Snape last night. Don't believe any of this is your fault. I love you Moony but this is the only way I think I can make it up to you. I killed Siri and this is the only way I'm going to see him again. The last thing he said to me was calling me James, maybe if I see him again he can see me for ME. He was the only person that cared about me but even that wasn't because of me, it was because of dad, I might be able to show everyone that we are different people.'

"Potter!" Harry quickly stood and span to face the potions master who walked in the room, screwing up the parchment and hiding it in his pocket. "What was that?"

"Nothing sir," Harry replied, far too quickly which arose the man's curiousity.

"Then you won't mind showing me what is in your pocket."

"It's- umm- it's just a letter for 'Mione, you- you made me jump and I spilled my ink over it so I screwed it up." Snape raised an eyebrow as he looked at the standing inkpot that was still full before turning his gaze back to the teen.

"Show me, I know a spell that can remove stains, including ink. You won't have to re-write it then." Harry paled visibly as he ran out of excuses he could use so he pulled the parchment out of his pocket, smoothing out the creases. As he handed it over flames began licking at the edges of the note, burning quickly across the words before Snape extinguished the fire with a flick of his wand and a glare towards the teen, most of the words gone already. "This does not appear to be written to Miss Granger."

"Umm- no, it's a- an apology. Yes, it's an apology letter to Remus, for killing Siri."

"You could always just apologise to his face Mr. Potter, as any other person would."

"Yes, well I- I thought that he would prefer this, then he doesn't have to see me. He won't have to pretend that he doesn't blame me and I won't have to pretend to believe him."

"Mr. Potter-"

"It doesn't matter sir. I'm just going to go up to my room, I'm not really hungry so I might just go to bed." Harry didn't wait for an answer before walking out of the library and towards his bedroom on automatic, shutting the door and curling up on his bed, unaware of the gaze that followed him out of the library and the discussion that was now happening in the kitchen.

"I asked you to get Harry for dinner, where is he?"

"Not coming." Remus raised his eyebrows before heading towards the door to get the teen, only stopping when he felt a hand on his arm. "Leave him." Snape showed the other the scrap of burnt parchment and his eyes widened as he tried to go to the boy again. "Honestly Lupin, leave him. Give him some time."

"He thinks I blame him!"

"Don't you?"

"I didn't want him to know!"

"That no longer matters. He knows. Leave him, he won't thank you for bursting into his bedroom at the moment."

"But he-"

"I know you want to fix this but he won't believe you if you go there and apologise now. He won't believe you if you ever apologise. You need to SHOW the boy that you don't blame him but you cannot just go on up there now. Talk about Black to him some when, show him some pictures if you have any, don't make him think that he has to deal with this loss on his own." Remus nodded and sat at the table, the two eating their dinner in silence, the third plate at the table going cold as the seat remained empty.

"Snape, will you-"

"I will check on the boy for you if you agree that to make this work you give him some time."

"Yes, fine, just make sure he isn't too upset by what I said." Snape bowed his head in agreement before standing and leaving the kitchen. As he walked up the stairs he began to get the feeling as though something was wrong so he steadily got faster until he reached the teen's bedroom within Grimmauld Place. He didn't knock in his haste to enter so Harry didn't realise that he was entering the room until the door almost slammed shut behind Snape as he saw the state the teen was in. Several thin red lines marred the pale arms and a small area of the duvet was covered in blood which his arm lay in, as the door slammed Harry looked slowly towards the door and at the man stood there who was shocked at the sight of the teen. More tears joined the tracks on Harry's cheeks as he silently looked back down at his arm and ignored the man stood there. Severus moved cautiously towards Harry until he sat on the edge of the bed, avoiding the boy's arm and the blood patch.

"Why?" Harry glimpsed back up at the man but soon dropped his gaze once more as he continued to ignore the potions master. A flick of his wand and Snape had bandaged Harry's arm tightly before another silent spell cleaned the stain from the teen's quilt but Harry didn't uncurl or make any other point of acknowledging the man. "Come here child," the man whispered as he took Harry into his arms and pulled him onto his lap, silently comforting the boy.

"What do you want sir?" Harry eventually asked once he stopped crying into Severus' arms.

"I came here to see if you are okay."

"I'm fine sir, you?"

"This isn't hinting towards you being fine," Snape stated while gesturing down at the bandaged appendage. Harry shrugged but didn't show any other signs of replying. "You delivered your message perfectly well and he likely would still be alive if I assured you of his safety and if I didn't provoke him into going there."

"It wasn't your fault sir."

"Thank you, it is more my fault than yours though so you can't blame yourself if you will not blame me."

"Everyone near me gets killed. It's always my fault."

"No, it isn't." Neither spoke for several minutes as Harry simply took comfort in the embrace offered and Severus allowed him the time in his thoughts.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself."

"I know." Harry looked up in shock having expected Snape to have sent him away to St. Mungo's or, at the very least, to speak to some sort of mind healer. "They were neither deep enough nor were you led there even remotely hinting at that level of desperation or panic for being caught."

"Oh. Okay then." Harry hesitated before asking the question he wanted to. "How do you know sir?" Harry didn't get a verbal answer but the man rolled back his right sleeve and showed the teen his arm, Harry slowly tracing the deep scar that took its home there. "I'm sorry."

"You did not do it child."

"I'm just so tired," Harry whispered as fresh tears formed in his eyes.

"I know you are child." Arms tightened around the teenager and it was another couple of minutes before Harry spoke up once more.

"I thought Siri was going to be the one who would save me, and then he asked me to live with him and I knew I was right but I killed him. I don't want to go back home to Them but I would if it could bring him back."

"There are many things that we would all do differently if we could, and some things we get chances to change but some things we can never change. Bringing someone back from the dead is a struggle all witches and wizards find themselves facing. It is a branch of magic that no one should ever follow for fear of where it may lead." Harry dropped his head onto the man's shoulder as he listened. "You know that I will not allow you to go back to them. I fought to get you away from them for the last year, I will not let you go back so easily."

"I know I can't bring him back but that doesn't mean that I don't wish I could."

"Spilling your blood won't bring him back."

"Yeah, I know. I was trying to get rid of James."

"What do you mean?" Snape questioned, somewhat worried about the sanity of the child at that point.

"That's what Siri called me just before he died, he only saw me as James. That's all anyone seems to see me as. I want to be Harry for once, not James, not the Saviour, not Gryffindor's Golden Boy, I just want to be Harry. I want to have listened to the sorting hat without fear of letting people down, I want to do potions without having to pretend to be bad at it, I want not to be scared of my family finding me everywhere I go, I want to belong somewhere, I want to be me. I have to get rid of James."

"No, you don't. James is your father, like Lily is your mother. You have both of them in you but that does not mean that you ARE them. You understand that, right?"

"That's not how people see me though. The only time I've ever been myself I got starved for it but even that started because of my aunt being jealous of my mum."

"I know that you have been shown many injustices, more than most are, that does not warrant you doing this to yourself. I know that you don't want to live your life this way but unfortunately, I'm not going to let you give up on life. Talk to someone when you want to hurt yourself or you start to feel too tired to continue, don't do it alone."

"Sorry sir."

"Don't be. We'll get through this. Are you sure you aren't hungry?" Harry shrugged a shoulder as he nodded almost imperceptibly. "You won't get in trouble here for needing to eat Harry. I will never withhold food from you, nor will I let anyone do that to you again. Don't skip meals but if you do, tell me if you are hungry and we will get you food, okay?" Again, the teen nodded which seemed to appease the man as he ran a hand through Harry's hair again. "Come child, let's go downstairs and get some food." Harry instantly tensed up in Snape's arms at the thought of having to go down to the kitchen. "I will be right there with you, child. I promise you that you will be fine. It is doubtful that Lupin is still in the kitchen but even if he is, it will all be fine."

"You'll stay with me?" Harry whispered insecurely.

"Every step of the way." The teen nodded in understanding and relaxed slightly against Snape.

"Let- let me just get a jumper on and then- then I'm ready."

"You needn't wear a jumper, you do not have to hide."

"He already hates me, I don't want him to hate me even more. Let me get a jumper and I'll be fine. It will all be fine. Just promise me, you will be there?" Harry checked, needing final confirmation of the fact.

"I give you my word that I will stay with you. I give you my word that you are allowed to eat without being punished and if he tries to do anything, I will do everything in my power to stop him but no matter what, I will be next to you." Harry walked over to his wardrobe and pulled out the one item he had kept from the Dursleys and pulled Dudley's old jumper over his head, relishing in the bagginess of it as it enabled him to curl the excess material into his hands before tucking them into the hoodie pocket, ensuring that he was completely covered. He span where he stood and faced the potion master, who was still sat on his bed, with his head bowed in submission. "Why did you keep that? I thought you wanted to get rid of all connections with them."

"Until the wizarding world has an alternative to this hoodie, this is the one I will keep sir." Snape stood and walked over to the teen who tensed minutely at his approach but he ignored this as he wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulders and used this connection to silently steer Harry out of the room towards the kitchen. "I'll get rid of it if you want me to sir," Harry whispered without lifting his head or looking at the man.

"No, you do not do it because of what I want. You do this for YOU, as and when YOU decide. What I will say is that tomorrow we can go out if you wish and find you a jumper that you like and I will buy you one that fits."

"That's okay sir, you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't, but I want to. If you are keeping the connection to Them purely because you don't have an alternative, I will provide you any alternative we can find." Snape squeezed Harry's shoulders so the teen hesitantly nodded while chewing his lip. "What? What is it you aren't telling me?" Snape seated Harry at the table as he went around the kitchen gathering various foodstuffs which he led out on the table in front of the teen before settling in the seat opposite.

"I- I don't want one that fits." Snape raised a brow at the teen who had looked up at him through his lashes. "I like this one because it is so much bigger than me, I mean, I know it isn't hard to be bigger than me but I can- I can wear this when I want to hide because it is so much bigger than me." Harry hesitantly reached out for the bread on the table in front of him, warily watching the potions master for signs that the food would be taken back. Seeing none he sliced a thin piece of bread off and put it on the plate in front of him, he ripped off the corner of the slice and ate it, still watching the man in distrust but Snape didn't let it bother him. Each mouthful that Harry ate he watched the man but with each he grew slightly surer that Snape wouldn't try and take the food away from him. He ducked his head in submission once more when he finished the slice.

"Surely you have not eaten your fill? Why don't you have something else as well?" Harry shook his head in refusal. "Have some fruit at least." Eyes grew wide as Harry shook his head even more determined so Snape reached across the table and gently lifted Harry's head, the fear-filled eyes darting between him and the door in panic. "They didn't just deny you food did they child?" The eyes fixed on Snape at his words before taking a deep, shuddering breath and shaking his head slowly.

"N-no sir."

"What else happened in that house then child?" Harry eyed him suspiciously before deciding to tell the man as he had with so many other things.

"Vernon- if he caught me trying to eat or looking at the food he- he would sit me down in the kitchen and allow me to eat as much as I wanted. Then when I was done he would make me keep eating until I was sick. He would still make me eat until my stomach couldn't take anymore of being filled and emptied. I fell for it, every single time I was so hungry that I fell for it and thought that maybe this would be the time he would be different, this time he would care." Tears formed in his eyes so he violently wiped at them with his fisted hands before trying to lock down his emotions behind thick walls.

"I swore that food would never be withheld from you ever again. Likewise, I promise you that I will never force you to eat so much that you are sick but I do want you to eat until you are no longer hungry. Agreed?" Harry chewed on his lip until he tasted the coppery tang of blood while nodding slowly at the man. "Thank you. Are you still hungry now?" The teen drew his brows together in suspicion but still nodded at the man.

"I- you want me to eat sir?"

"Please child. I do not want you to gorge, I want you to eat until you aren't hungry anymore and then stop whenever you choose. I am not going to make you continue when you decide that you don't want anymore. Is that understood?"

"Yes sir," Harry mumbled before looking round the table and selecting the smallest apple that he could find from the fruit bowl, eating it contentedly until he reached the core which he placed on his plate and looked up at the man.

"Are you finished your meal?" Harry nodded slowly, half expecting the man to make him select something else to eat. "Come along then, let us put everything away and then head back upstairs to bed. Do you wish to go shopping tomorrow?"

"Who- who would be going sir? Will Moony be there?"

"Do you want him to be?" Harry shrugged his shoulders. "Do YOU want him to be?"

"I want to go with you. I want to go with JUST you. I-I can't spend the day pretending that it isn't my fault, pretending that he doesn't blame me."

"Harry-" the man began in warning.

"Don't start on this. Please? Not now. Can it be just the two of us sir?"

"It isn't your fault child. I will repeat that until you accept that as the truth. It can just be us if that is what you wish." Harry smiled softly at the man and nodded slowly, moving round the table and crouching next to Snape's chair and wrapping his arms around the other's stomach and releasing tension he didn't know he had when arms wrapped around him in return. He dropped his head against the other and listened to the steady heartbeat beneath his ear. As he focused on the rhythm Harry released a wide yawn and shut his eyes, verging on sleep while he knelt there listening intently to the gentle thrum beneath his head. "Come on child, to bed, I'll return and put everything away." Harry hummed in agreement but made no hint at moving from his position.

The potion master awkwardly stooped to loop his arms beneath the teen without disturbing Harry too much before lifting the light body into his arms and standing. Harry looping an arm round Snape's neck as he snuggled closer into the body of the man holding him, making sure not to lose the heartbeat from beneath his ear. Lupin was walking remorsefully along the landing towards his own room when they reached the top of the stairs.

"The door please Lupin." He opened the door to Harry's room and stood aside to allow the two through, green eyes blearily looking at him.

"Nigh' night Moony."

"Goodnight pup. Sweet dreams."

"Love you." Remus smiled at the teen who Snape was currently laying under the blankets on his bed, curling tightly around himself with fists in his blanket, drawing it closer.

"Love you too pup." Just as Snape was about to walk out the room he heard the quiet words that were guaranteed to make him falter in his step.

"Nigh' sir, love you." The man turned back to look at the teen in shock but Harry was already fast asleep in his bed so he continued out of the room without a sound, the werewolf following straight after. Snape walked down the corridor, ignoring how the man called after him until a hand was placed on his shoulder and he stopped where he was so Lupin rounded him until he was in front of the man, taking in the dazed expression on the man's face.

"Snape?"

"What did he just say to me?" he asked, pointing back in the general direction of the boy's room so Remus repeated Harry's words in confusion. "Why?" Snape's voice cracked in his distress as he said this one word still not looking at the man but at a point over his shoulder. "No one has ever said those words to me, not my parents, not Lily, no one. So, what does he want? Why would he say that to me?" Remus realised that the man's state was just to a mixture of disbelief and shock as he listened to the other and felt surprised that Harry had stumbled upon the only thing that seemed to make Snape's cold exterior crumble.

"I would say that he said it because he meant it. You know as much as I that he hasn't grown up hearing those words either. I doubt that he COULD say those words without meaning them. He won't use them as words lightly said or taken."

"But what does he want?" Remus pulled Snape into a tentative embrace, ignoring the way the man tensed before dropping his head onto the wolf's shoulder.

"My theory; he wants you to be yourself, he wants you to be caring and kind and look after him."

"I can't do both."

"Don't lie. Perhaps I would have agreed with that once but I've seen you with him over the last year. Whether you want to admit it or not, it is evident that you do care about him. You saw one memory of him looking in a mirror covered in bruises and got him to open up to you about everything. He trusts you deeply for him to do that. Then you fought for him for nearly a year and he trusted you even more. It is hard to come by and fragile to maintain but he, and I, know that you are someone who will not let him come to harm, you will protect him."

"Anyone would have done that."

"But not 'anyone' did, you did. That means something, especially to him. You FOUGHT for him against everything and everyone. You were the first to notice that something was wrong and actually do something about it."

"He refers to me as Sir still, while we aren't at school."

"Who cares? Have you EXPLICITILY told him not to call you that? He referred to me and- and Padfoot as that until we told him otherwise, several times. It is not who you are to him at school, but how he was raised. If you don't want him to call you that, you have to tell him in those words, don't try and hide the request and make subtle hints, if you want him to call you by your given name, give him your express permission. Until he joined school his name was 'boy' or 'freak', you know that, so does it really surprise you that he uses titles when not told to do otherwise?"

"I suppose not," Snape sighed before lifting his head off the other's shoulder and straightening out, raising his cold exterior once more. "We are going shopping tomorrow."

"What time do we leave?"

"No, Harry and I, we are going shopping tomorrow. We have not set a time but we will not be back late, nor will we be setting out particularly early, I simply thought you should know." Snape nodded once before walking into his own room without another word, leaving Remus stood there.


End file.
